Friday, August 13

The Prez

You know, George W. should visit Southern California far more often. I have really enjoyed the sound of F-16s flying over at regular intervals, as they conduct routine patrols. Every time I hear them, it makes me smile.

I'm so jealous of fighter pilots. It's got to be one of the best jobs. As I lay in bed last night, blissfully enjoying the sound of our nation's dominant air power sweetly blasting through the atmosphere above, I realized that those pilots probably have no idea how deeply I revere their service.

After a while, does it become nothing more than a job to them? I suppose that's human nature, although this girl can't imagine being bored while flying a fighter jet. Who knows, maybe they groaned at being assigned to do giant loops around JPL and the Rose Bowl.

But man, they're lucky. That's some seriously badass machinery... I want one!

Thursday, August 12


“There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, ‘I do.’” —Craig Kilborn

“John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke.” —Jay Leno

“Gas prices are up, the stock market is down, Iraq is a mess and John Kerry is saying, ‘How am I gonna beat this guy?” —David Letterman

“President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every issue. And Kerry replied, ‘No, I’m not... But there is some truth to that.’ ” —Craig Kilborn

“The prisoner scandal is yet another election year problem for President Bush. And, with the economy still struggling, combat operations in Iraq dragging on, and the 9-11 hearings revealing damning information, even an opponent of limited political skill should be able to capitalize on those problems. The Democrats, however, chose to nominate John Kerry.” —Jon Stewart

“John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers … and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message.” —David Letterman

“Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages. Here’s a hint … he gets $1,000 haircuts.” —Craig Kilborn

“Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he’s questioning Bush’s judgment.” —Jay Leno

“John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq.” —Craig Kilborn

“Kerry’s said all these foreign leaders said they want him to win, but Kerry hasn’t even been out of the country in a year and a half, which means the only possible foreign leader he could have met with is Arnold Schwarzenegger.” –Jay Leno

“John Kerry said that a lot of world leaders want him to be the president and the Bush administration said, ‘Yeah, well, like who?’ and John Kerry said, ‘Well, I can’t say really.’ So, now they’re really hammering John Kerry and listen to this, the only name he could come up with? Queen Latifah.” –David Letterman

“John Kerry is busy trying to raise money right now for his campaign. It was reported today that Kerry’s hoping to raise $80 million before the Democratic convention. That’s a lot of money. Yeah, Kerry has two ways to raise the $80 million: soliciting Democratic donors and going through his wife’s purse.” –Conan O’Brien

“John Kerry met with Al Sharpton. Can you see the two of them standing together? It’d look like Abe Lincoln with Ruben from American Idol.” –Jay Leno

“Of course, it is still eight months to election day, but the campaign is starting to fall into its own natural rhythm: falsely macho Kerry comment, falsely indignant Bush response.” –Jon Stewart

“John Kerry made a mistake of saying something embarrassing while a microphone was on. And now he’s been backpedaling. So now he’s hired a guy and his sole job is to make sure John Kerry’s microphone is off. It’s the same guy that used to watch Clinton’s fly.” –David Letterman

“John Kerry announced that he and his wife are leaving on a week-long vacation. He’s going to take her back to the place where he first proposed to her... At her bank.” –Jay Leno

“The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why — with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.” –Jay Leno

“Please, John Kerry, stop rolling up your sleeves like you’re about to man a register at Costco. You’re a Boston Brahmin who married not one, but two eccentric heiresses. You’re not Joe Sixpack; you’re Claus Von Bulow.” –Bill Maher

“In a speech yesterday John Kerry said that before November he may go to Iraq. Is that a good idea for him to go to Iraq? You thought Bush didn’t have a reason to bomb Iraq before.” –Jay Leno

“Remember last week when John Kerry wanted to be the second black president since Clinton was considered the first black president. A civil rights leader has come forward and asked him to apologize. He says Kerry is a white man born to privilege and says he has no idea what the black experience is like. Today Kerry said, ‘Yo chill out brother, why you dissin’ me like that?’” –Jay Leno

John Kerry described his Republican critics as ‘the most crooked, lying group I’ve ever seen.’ Now, that’s saying something, because Kerry’s both a lawyer and a politician.” –Jay Leno

“John Kerry was in Florida this week, reaching out and talking with elderly voters. You know, I think it made Kerry a little uncomfortable to be with these elderly people. He finally got a chance to see what he’d look like without Botox.” –Jay Leno

“In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the ‘economy of privilege.’ Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune.” –Jay Leno

“John Kerry announced his plan for how to handle those poor naked prisoners. His wife is going to buy them all $1,000 Armani suits.” —Craig Kilborn

“Kerry was here in Los Angeles. He was courting the Spanish vote by speaking Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages.” —Jay Leno

“President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating.” —Jay Leno

“John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride, fell off in front of the news media. Luckily, his hair broke the fall so Senator Kerry was not seriously injured. In fact, when the police arrived, Kerry was well enough to give conflicting reports to the officers about what happened.” —Jay Leno

“Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he’s lying. How is that possible?” —Jon Stewart

“John Kerry’s wife, Teresa Heinz, is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn’t bother John Kerry, he said, ‘To me, she looks like a million bucks’” —Jay Leno

“John Kerry reportedly flew in his private hairdresser before his “Meet the Press” interview for a total cost of $1,000. That’s $1,000 for a haircut, which sounds like a lot, but have you seen the size of Kerry’s head?” —Jay Leno

“Well the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks he’s the dad from ‘The Munsters."‘ —Jay Leno

“John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them.” —Jay Leno

“They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that’s nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: ‘I do.’” —Jay Leno

“Senator Kerry recovering very nicely after having shoulder surgery. The doctors said the senator was fully awake, lucid and joking after the surgery was done, but cautioned that that was just the drug. He went back to his boring self soon afterward.” —Jay Leno

“Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500 billion deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he’s going to put it on his wife’s gold card.” —Craig Kilborn

“A number of plastic surgeons are claiming that looking at John Kerry now, as opposed to a few months ago, they believe he’s had Botox shots. They claim a number of his worry lines have vanished. They haven’t vanished, Howard Dean is wearing them now.” –Jay Leno

“Senator John Kerry won the primaries last night. In fact, in the rural areas, he got over 67 percent of the mullet vote.” –Jay Leno

“John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He’s like a mole for the working man.” –Jay Leno

“I’m worried about John Kerry, he’s so confident now that he’s already planning his White House sex scandal.” –David Letterman

“John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle.” –Craig Kilborn

“Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will marry him.” –Jay Leno

“It really kind of looks like now that John Kerry is on his way to the presidential nomination. The only thing that can sink John Kerry now is an Al Gore endorsement.” –Jay Leno

“According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you see, that’s why John Kerry had all that Botox - his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues.” –Jay Leno

“An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said ‘Close, but no cigar.’” –Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live

“Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday, a 27 year-old woman came forward to deny rumors that she had an affair with Democratic frontrunner John Kerry. The woman added, “I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.’” –Conan O’Brien

“They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million, and his current wife is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he’s going after the wealthy in this country, he’s not just talking. He’s doing it!” –Jay Leno

Wednesday, August 11

Just Pray

Manipulation comes in many different forms. There's the look of disapproval, the bad attitude, relentless bitching, arguments, the silent treatment, and even those subtle con jobs we fall for all the time. I've been on the receiving end of countless types of manipulation, and a perpetrator of some, I admit.

However, what I know to be true is that any kind of manipulation is a complete waste of effort. It's cheating... And everybody loses. We all know how shitty it feels to be the target of someone else's agenda, yet when we want or need others to see things our way, we sink to similar extremes.

Somehow we mistakenly believe that we'll gain something by it. And maybe we do, but only in the short run. Take a broader perspective and you will soon realize that it will never be worth the price. Manipulation consistently takes a devastating toll on relationships, completely annihilating trust.

Unfortunately, we are so desperate for security that we claw at others. No! We must deeply believe in the ineffectiveness of manipulation and rid ourselves from it for good. If we come to terms with the fact that we barely have control over ourselves, never another person, then we might take a different kind of action.

Just pray. Whether you believe in God or not... Call it meditation if it makes you feel better. But when you need a certain behavior from someone - Pray. It's the only effective thing that you can do, your only viable attempt to influence a certain outcome without sacrificing your personal integrity.

And begin by praying that your need to see that person's behavior altered will dissipate. Pray that you will continue to show the same love and acceptance as ever. Pray that your desires will not be made manifest in any harmful way. Like most of my sermons, easier said than done.

I will feel free to encourage, to love, to share the truth as it is revealed to me, even to properly rebuke, but manipulation? Let it be kept as far from me as possible, removed from my arsenal forever. I will trust God to work in others, as I know He does in me.

Tuesday, August 10


This is why rednecks shouldn't be
allowed to own digital cameras.

Monday, August 9


Video provided by "Geffen Records"

the drops of rain they fall all over
this awkward silence makes me crazy
the glow inside burns light upon her
i'll try to kiss you if you let me

...this can't be the end...

tidal waves they rip right through me
tears from eyes worn cold and sad
pick me up now... i need you so bad

down down down down
down down down down gets me so...
down down down down
down down down down gets me so...

your vows of silence fall all over
the look in your eyes makes me crazy
i feel the darkness break upon her
i'll take you over if you let me did this...

tidal waves they rip right through me
tears from eyes worn cold and sad
pick me up now... i need you so bad

down down down down
down down down down gets me so...
down down down down
down down down down gets me so...

Sunday, August 8


Weeding out old stuff from my Inbox, I came upon this link from my pal Jordan. When it's even funnier the second time around, it's my responsibility to share. Gently caress "Joyce" with a click of your mouse to be transported to the...


Actually, there's plenty of good stuff at Pork Tornado. I have a few favorites. The name alone just begs you to check it out.